one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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