We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
