Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
