I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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