im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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