Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest