I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Houston, we have a blender
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
