Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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