textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
