I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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