My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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