Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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