i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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