I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
