you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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