I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
