I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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