OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
