I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
