Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
