He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
