wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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