xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
