I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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