you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
