Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
