I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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