If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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