I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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