So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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