Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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