I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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