my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
