Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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