we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
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Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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