I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
