Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
