we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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