Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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