Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
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I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
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