oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
