4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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