i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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