I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
