I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
