They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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