I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
