He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
