Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?