How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
