i just wanna soil my oats bro
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
