You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
