You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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