I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
