My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
