Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
