His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
