i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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