i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
