i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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