god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it was like eating out sand paper
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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