I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
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Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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