This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
