Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
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The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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