Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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